Why SWAT needs monkeys

Dear Captain:

I know we have spoken about this before, but I continue to maintain that the Mesa SWAT team needs a monkey. I have chosen to outline my arguments for you so you can fully understand the importance of adding a capuchin to the payroll:

Monkeys are disarming. Criminals are often armed. Therefore, monkeys can disarm criminals.

If a monkey is killed in the line of duty, it is sad, but it does not reflect on our mortality statistics. That’s because monkeys are not human, even though we once were monkeys. Unless you’re from Kentucky.

Personally, I do not think people could kill a monkey because if you look at one you can kind of see your grandpa’s face.

Monkeys can throw feces quicker than any guys we currently have. When you throw feces at a perpetrator, you buy valuable tactical seconds.

Monkeys are fast, like Yoda. Criminals are often overweight and carrying bags of money – very cumbersome. This means the monkey can often disorient and incapacitate the criminal (imagine Yoda fighting T-Rex).

In a hostage situation, people are very tense and upset. If a monkey suddenly arrives on the scene, the perpetrators might say something like “Look! A monkey!” and laugh. They wouldn’t know it was a SWAT Monkey because it wouldn’t be in uniform.

Monkeys live for 40 years when out of the wild – double the expectancy if they live in the jungle. For this, the monkey will more than likely be grateful and happy to help us fight crime.

In a bomb threat situation a monkey is not going to freak out about the green wire or blue wire and which wire should be cut. The monkey will just pull all the wires out and if it blows up we’ll get another monkey.

During the down time when there is no crime, you probably know that a lot of our men get bored. With a SWAT Monkey we would never get bored because we could have a lot of fun with him (dress-ups, parades, gun range, etc.)

Monkeys are like 2-year old children, so the guys who have families won’t miss their kids as much. This will improve morale. On the downside, he can break our radios and cling to the ceiling fan.

Any time we see a criminal we’ll tell them to look at the monkey. Sustained eye contact enrages a monkey. An enraged monkey is a worthy adversary.

A SWAT Monkey is a powerful psychological tool. Imagine you are a criminal hiding in a closet and you hear “Release the monkey!” You would shudder.

Monkeys, I believe, have skills at opening coconuts. This is not a tactical advantage of course, but it could be useful in tropical dilemmas.

As the first SWAT team to have a monkey, we’ll have a promotional advantage for our t-shirts. One good example is SWAT: Driving bad guys bananas.

A SWAT Monkey will attract children to our cake sale. That means we sell more cake.

Captain, I hope you will consider what an asset a monkey can be to the Mesa SWAT team. I can think of plenty more reasons if you’d like, but right now I’m being summoned to a hostage crisis.

Monkey-less, I might add

Please We need this Monkey


The SWAT Team

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