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  • Dear Captain:

    I know we have spoken about this before, but I continue to maintain that the Mesa SWAT team needs a monkey. I have chosen to outline my arguments for you so you can fully understand the importance of adding a capuchin to the payroll:

    Monkeys are disarming. Criminals are often armed. Therefore, monkeys can disarm criminals.

    If a monkey is killed in the line of duty, it is sad, but it does not reflect on our mortality statistics. That’s because monkeys are not human, even though we once were monkeys. Unless you’re from Kentucky.

    Personally, I do not think people could kill a monkey because if you look at one you can kind of see your grandpa’s face.

    Monkeys can throw feces quicker than any guys we currently have. When you throw feces at a perpetrator, you buy valuable tactical seconds.

    Monkeys are fast, like Yoda. Criminals are often overweight and carrying bags of money – very cumbersome. This means the monkey can often disorient and incapacitate the criminal (imagine Yoda fighting T-Rex).

    In a hostage situation, people are very tense and upset. If a monkey suddenly arrives on the scene, the perpetrators might say something like “Look! A monkey!” and laugh. They wouldn’t know it was a SWAT Monkey because it wouldn’t be in uniform.

    Monkeys live for 40 years when out of the wild – double the expectancy if they live in the jungle. For this, the monkey will more than likely be grateful and happy to help us fight crime.

    In a bomb threat situation a monkey is not going to freak out about the green wire or blue wire and which wire should be cut. The monkey will just pull all the wires out and if it blows up we’ll get another monkey.

    During the down time when there is no crime, you probably know that a lot of our men get bored. With a SWAT Monkey we would never get bored because we could have a lot of fun with him (dress-ups, parades, gun range, etc.)

    Monkeys are like 2-year old children, so the guys who have families won’t miss their kids as much. This will improve morale. On the downside, he can break our radios and cling to the ceiling fan.

    Any time we see a criminal we’ll tell them to look at the monkey. Sustained eye contact enrages a monkey. An enraged monkey is a worthy adversary.

    A SWAT Monkey is a powerful psychological tool. Imagine you are a criminal hiding in a closet and you hear “Release the monkey!” You would shudder.

    Monkeys, I believe, have skills at opening coconuts. This is not a tactical advantage of course, but it could be useful in tropical dilemmas.

    As the first SWAT team to have a monkey, we’ll have a promotional advantage for our t-shirts. One good example is SWAT: Driving bad guys bananas.

    A SWAT Monkey will attract children to our cake sale. That means we sell more cake.

    Captain, I hope you will consider what an asset a monkey can be to the Mesa SWAT team. I can think of plenty more reasons if you’d like, but right now I’m being summoned to a hostage crisis.

    Monkey-less, I might add

    Please We need this Monkey

    From,

    The SWAT Team

  • Im glad my ticket was free.

    What a piece of tripe – contrived suspense, stupid situations and way too much barely thinly veiled “yay america we rock” sentiment.

    Further proof contrary to most people’s opinion Speilberg and Lucas are anything other than useless directors.

    M

  • http://nanocrew.net/

    Useful info and patches. 😉

    M

  • 67 Things to do when you know you’re going to fail an Exam

    1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

    2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

    3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

    4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

    5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

    6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

    7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

    8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

    9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

    10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

    11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

    12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly.

    13. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

    14. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

    15. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that

    16. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom o the opera” until they drag you away.

    17. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

    18. Try to get people in the room to do a wave

    19. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

    20. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

    21. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

    22. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least two rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

    23. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

    24. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!

    25. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

    26. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

    27. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

    28. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

    29. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

    30. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

    31. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.

    32. Bring cheerleaders.

    33. Bring pets.

    34. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

    35. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

    36. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

    37. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

    38. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

    39. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

    40. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

    41. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

    42. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”

    43. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

    44. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

    45. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

    46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

    47. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

    48. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.

    49. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks”

    50. Make strange noises … get people to stare … look at the person next to you as if he\she did it.

    51. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience that you once had. If you can’t think of anything, make something up. Be creative. End the story with “I just thought I should tell you.”

    52. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think that you’re someone else.

    53. Play loud music.

    54. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them. Do it casually, as if that’s what you are supposed to do after an exam.

    55. Dress like the professor.

    56. Cross-Dress.

    57. Borrow a friend’s Video taping equipment and set up a lot of lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.

    58. Two words: Plastic Explosives.

    59. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if you’re supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the words “Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?” It doesn’t matter if they are baked goods or not.

    60. Trip people as they walk by your desk.

    61. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.

    62. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make a show of it.

    63. Make several origami animals out of the test papers and re-enact scenes from your favourite soap opera with them.

    64. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what’s going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

    65. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

    66. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

    67. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, “Okay, let’s double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E….”

    I have done either fully or slight derivatives of 4, 10, 14, 23 (didnt attend lectures at all – lecurer (i think) asked me who i was – got a Credit), 24, 34, 49, 51, 61 and personally can reccomend these activities

  • If you like me found that your WSUS server was not downloading all update files successfully and had some issues sorting it out. A google or three might return a result like below
    1. ?%programfiles%\Update Services\tools\osql\osql.exe? -S servername\WSUS -E -b -n ?Q ?USE SUSDB update tbConfigurationC set BitsDownloadPriorityForeground=1? (note: substitute your WSUS server name for servername)

    2. Open Services (click Start, point to Administrative Tools, and then click Services). In the details pane, right-click Update Services, click Restart, and then close Services.

    Now I was running with Windows 2000 server and the MSDE SQL database backend. I could not work out WHY this command was not succeeding – I was copying and pasting it word for word from the webpage, I tried all sorts of different server\db combo’s and still could not get it to work. My solution:

    change into the directory (folder) that contains osql.exe and I ran the command (if you are not running an MSDE database on the same machine as WSUS the following might not apply to you):
    -S %computername% -E -b -n ?Q ?USE SUSDB update tbConfigurationC set BitsDownloadPriorityForeground=1?
    typed in by hand – for some reason even though the copy and paste was accurate visually the cmd (command) window must not have been getting the exact syntax it required – no idea what it changed.

    Once that happened BITS (Background Intelligent (hah!) Transfer Service) got its head pulled out of the sand and the remaining (15) downloads that kept on rolling back over the previous 3 or 4 days righted themselves and completed successfully.

    Hope this was helpful.

    M

  • Changes noticed as follows:

    No more normal iPods (grey scale) – Photo iPod’s reign supreme (photo dropped from name) $600 for 60G iPod Photo.
    iMac price cuts (yay)

    Things I noticed for the first time:
    Weird things that allow you to personalise and colourise your iPod Shuffle

    Things they didnt update:
    Powermac G5
    macMini (boo hiss) 🙁

    M

  • Looks like the little boy of the x86 world is going to take it to the school yard bully.

    Have you ever tried to get machines with the AMD processor out of Dell? Notice how the number of AMD machines offered by large OEM’s is pitifully small? Well its due to intel and its special way of ensuring that OEM’s toe the company line and only sell Intel based CPU’s in their system otherwise face the wrath of Intel in the form of stock shortages or advertising dollars being witheld.

    Looks like AMD think that they have enough to go up against this bully of the IT world and win. (They recently won an anti-trust case in Japan).

    Hopefully this will mean more competition and choice for consumers who after all are the ones hurt by these antics.

    M

  • theaustralian.jpg (JPEG Image, 879×996 pixels)

    Got to love reporters that dont quote their sources.

    The original content was written by someone on a comedy/fake/spoof news site and quickly propogated itself over the internet on other news sites (where the original article was referenced).

    Looks like a newspaper now has a red face and will hopefully in future check its sources and give credit where it is due.

    M

  • I like this picture, I think it looks nice 😀
    Pretty little graph
    M

  • Fronts – These should be angled down toward the road so that they illuminate the surface of the road and do not reflect into your face/eyes when driving in fog. They do add to the useful visability of a car in all weather and can be used when ever you feel like it.

    Rears – These should ONLY be used when it is foggy and only for as long as there is fog present. The reason that I get infront of you and flick mine on and off is to tell you to turn your’s of you stupid moron. The same reason I gesticulate at you and try and communicate with you. They are a bloody hazard when used when there is no fog.

    Why are rear fogs a hazard when it is not foggy – they are bright, bright things attract the human eye, it takes much concious effort to ignore this extra light source beaming in our eyes as humans causing increased levels of tiredness and delayed reactions for those behind you. It also looks like your brake lights are on constantly meaning that when you do brake it is not always easy to tell that you have started to slow.

    I will give you one polite request for you to cease using your fogs verbally, one impolite should I see you again, on the third time I see you I will follow you home and remove your fog lamp with any object I can think of – probably my tyre iron – please do not take offense to this I am merely trying to help others on the road you can too ONLY USE YOUR REAR FOGS WHEN IT IS FOGGY – THE REST OF THE TIME MAKE SURE THAT THEY ARE OFF!!!!!!